The ABRIDGED Story of Alex Dragonark
by Blade100
Summary: Have you ever wanted to know the story of Alex Dragonark, one of Lore's Greatest Heroes, son of Charles Dragonark, another great hero, without having to read A Rouge's Tale? Well here you go! SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. A late April 1st story.


**The ABRIDGED Story of Alex Dragonark**

Our story begins how any other story begins. With an old guy running away from a burning village, holding a small baby…Okay, maybe not exactly how all stories begin!

"Don't worry baby, there's NO WAY they followed us!" the man said as he dropped the baby on a doorstep.

"Hey! We followed you!"

"Frag!"

"Grab the baby!" the lead Drakel ordered.

"Sir, the baby is gone!"

"Does that mean you're going to let me go?" the old man asked.

"Actually, we're just going to kick your butt, then kill you."

"Why?!"

"Because you smell live old people."

"OW! OW! OW! STOP IT! STOP IT! OW! MY RIBS! I NEED THAT! OW! MY LEG! I NEED THAT FOR WALKING AND STUFF! OW! MY SPINE! PUT THAT BACK!"

As the old man was beaten, a younger man was holding the baby in his hands and was reading a note that was with the baby. "…This is horrible penmanship! I can barely understand it!"

"Hey did you hear that?" a Drakel asked.

"Frag!"

**YEARS LATER**

"Come on Artix!" Robina ordered.

"Wait up, my cape is caught on a branch!" the Paladin yelled.

Sighing, the green wearing girl looked around and stopped as she saw a body on the ground. Running over to it, she quickly helped him up, checking his pulse. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"T-they came out of nowhere…Oh the pain," the young man groaned.

"Don't worry, I'm sure I can help yo-" Robina was quickly interrupted as the boy grabbed her pouch filled with gold coins and something else.

"HA! Thanks for the money, babe…! Whoa," Alex smiled, realizing not only did he take Robina's gold, but had also ripped off all her clothes, leaving the woman's body completely naked. "Nice body," he smiled, taking a picture of her naked body, which Robina quickly covered after the pictures. "Thanks for the pictures!" he laughed as he ran off.

"Hey, who's that guy?" Artix asked as he walked over. "…Why are you naked?"

"Shut up and go after him!"

* * *

"Running time!" Alex laughed as he ran down an alley.

"We're generic bad guys!" a voice yelled as a gang of bad guys surrounded Alex. "Also you owe us money!"

"For what?"

"Remember that girl you had sex with last night? You never did pay back."

"Oh! Wait, was she the girl with purple haired one in the pirate outfit or blond in the cowgirl outfit?" Alex asked.

"Purple."

"Oh…She was fun," the pervert grinned.

"DRAMATIC ENTRY!" Artix screamed as he fell on top of the thugs. "You have just been defeated by ARTIX! THE PALADIN OF LIGHT!"

"Get off of us, idiot! Hey! Where'd that kid go?" one of the generic bad guys asked.

"SUCKERS!" Alex screamed as he ran home.

"Aw man…Hey, Paladin guy, wanna get off?" one thug asked.

"I'm fine actually, thanks."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…GET OFF!"

* * *

"Hey Dad! I stole money from people, ripped a girl's clothes off, took pictures of her, and set an orphanage on fire!" Alex yelled as he walked into his house.

"Good job son!" Ben, his legal guardian, and adopted father said. "Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

"It's my birthday?"

"I guess so! Here's your cake!"

"…It's a cupcake…I WANT CAKE!"

"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" Ben roared before regaining his composure. "Also, there's this thing two…FROM YOUR REAL DAD! DAH DAH DUUUUUH!"

"…You okay Dad?"

"Fine, yeah. Your real Dad left a note saying he wanted you to go to a cliff near Oaklore Keep. Well, bye son!"

"Wait, what?" Alex asked. "You're kicking me out? Just like that? No weapons? No food?"

"…You have the cupcake."

"The cupcake is a lie!"

"Kids these days!" Ben sighed. "Wanting food, and happiness, and love, and friends, and to be safe! In my day we left home and set stuff on fire and that was that!"

"…Dad? You're rambling."

"Whatever. Here, take these daggers," the older man sighed, throwing two daggers at his soon. "NOW OUT!"

"Ow! The daggers stabbed my leg!"

"I SAID OUT! Oh, you're also going to need this Dragon Amulet! CATCH!"

"ACK! My groin! I need that for sex!"

* * *

"Okay…I'm on a cliff…I'm also bored…Why am I so bored here? Really, bored…bored...bored…"

"Hi Kids! I'm Barney's cousin! Rarney!" a huge dragon roared as he appeared out of nowhere. "I'll eat you. I'll eat you! You're all a bunch of tiny things!" he sang. Badly.

"…Momma."

The dragon suddenly leaned down and two figures were revealed to have ridden on him. They stepped off of his head and bid him farewell as they walked off.

"Hello there," one figure, a female woman with short white hair, and matching robe, greeted, walking past Alex.

"Hiya!" a red Moglin, Twilly, added, also walking past him.

"…The frag?" Alex asked as they walked past him. He then noticed the woman had a large treasure chest in her hands, which was black and had the symbol of a dragon on it. "Hey! Wait up! ST-OOF!"

The Rouge hit the ground as Twilly was suddenly hit by the red Moglin.

"…Get off!" he ordered, picking the Moglin up.

"You have to save the Priestess Celestia!"

"Who?"

"The evil Gorillaphant has attacked her!" the Moglin yelled.

"…What?

"…If you save her she'll make out with you."

"FOR THE PRIESTESS!" Alex screamed as he threw the small Moglin at the large elephant/gorilla love child.

* * *

"It is heavily implied I killed you!" Alex yelled as he stood above the corpse of the dead…er SEEMINGLY dead animal.

"Thank you oh mighty hero for helping me!" Celestia thanked.

"You can thank me by taking off your clothes and taking a shower with me."

"…You're younger than me…by a lot."

"So?" Alex smiled.

* * *

"So the author decided to skip the whole visit to Oaklore and here I am…facing Bandits…Oh to answer your question…Yes, I did tap Celestia…Don't tell Kaiser," Alex explained as he stood in front of two Bandits and Drakath.

"Who are you talking to?" Drakath asked.

"My fan base! Because unlike you, I have fans!"

"YAY ALEX!" the Alex Fan Club screamed from the sidelines. "WE LOVE YOU!"

"I did all the female members of them," he smiled.

"Curse you and your fan base! I hate you Alex! I HATE YOU!" Drakath screamed as Alex's fans attacked and beat the man.

"Thanks ladies!" he smiled. "And…men," he added, noticing a very tiny group of males. "…Yeah, you guys leave, girls you can stay," he said as the woman charged at him and tackled Alex.

"Alex? The Black Dragon Box was stolen by a Sneevil…Alex?"

* * *

After having sex with ALL female members of his fan base, Alex was hanging out with a team of heroes and looking for the Black Dragon Box.

"And we're here!" Ash stated as they walked over to Robina.

"Hey, naked girl! How are you?"

"…Fine, you?" Robina sighed.

"We're looking for the Black Dragon Box," Twilly stated.

"I'll give it to you if you help me with some errands," the archer replied.

"…How about you have sex with me instead and then you give it to us?" Alex suggested.

"…Deal."

* * *

"All we got was the box!" Ash sighed.

"All YOU got maybe," Alex smiled.

"If we go talk to Valencia we might be able to get the egg back!" Twilly suggested.

"She's a chick?"

"Yeah."

"Sweet!" Alex smiled.

* * *

"The eggs are up there!" the newest addition to the team, Kaiser, stated as he pointed at a bird's nest on a cliff.

"We would have been here sooner if you two weren't so busy making out and doing things in bed," Ash commented.

"Not my fault I'm good with ladies," Alex smiled.

"Let's go get that egg!" Twilly yelled.

"Is it me, or is this story missing various story points?" Blade100 sighed.

"Look! A Vultragon! The love child of a vulture and dragon!" Kaiser yelled.

"…What is wrong with these animals!?" Alex asked.

"Who cares?" Valencia replied. "CHARGE!"

**CENSORED FIGHT SCENE**

**Boy this fight scene is awesome. Lasers, fire, ice, and weapons flying everywhere. So epic! Too bad you can't see it, huh?**

"We did it!" Alex declared.

"Hooray!"

"Now let's eat the Vultragon!"

"YEAH!"

"Bawk?" the Vultragon whimpered.

"What about the eggs?" Twilly asked.

"Oh…yeah, let's grab those two."

"So…which egg is the Dragon egg?" Kaiser asked.

"We could ask Warlic," Ash suggested.

"Is Warlic a girl?" Alex asked.

"No."

"LAME! Bye Valencia! Call me!" the pervert yelled to Valencia, who winked at him and waved goodbye.

* * *

"Warlic? Hello? YO WARLIC!" Alex screamed as they stood outside his tent.

"Who are you guys?" a girl asked, walking out.

"I thought you said Warlic was a dude!" Alex yelled, before running up to Olapen and wrapped his arms around her. "That's a nice outfit. It would even better scattered around my bed as you and my do it."

"What?"

"What's going on here?" a voice sighed as a boy in a black robe asked, walking out of the tent. "Who are you guys?"

"I'm Alex the Pervert."

"Kaiser the Warrior."

"Ash the Knight-in-training."

"Twilly."

"And you are?" Alex asked.

"Shadow Tamer. This is Olapen, we're Warlic's apprentices."

"Who's out there, Shadow Tamer?" a voice asked as Warlic stepped out. "May I help you?"

"Yeah, tell us. Which egg is the Dragon egg?" Kaiser asked, holding said eggs.

"Hmm…I could tell you, but first you must do some manual labor for me."

"What? Why?"

"Shut up and go do my bidding, slave!"

* * *

"AHHH!" Ash screamed as the Rock Elemental attacked him. "I'm doomed!"

"Ninja attack!" a voice yelled as a ninja destroyed the Earth Elemental.

"Who are you? Naruto? Sauske? Rock Lee? Neji? "

"Jack The Ninja!"

"…Aren't you a Pirate? Or is it a Samurai?"

"I'm a freaking ninja!" Jack screamed. "No Samurai or Pirate moves like me! I move like water! NINJA water!"

"…Right."

"True Ninjas must move like a shadow! An invisible shadow! An invisible shadow at night!"

"…Right."

* * *

"Fast ball special!" Kaiser yelled as he threw Shadow Tamer at the Fire Elemental.

"AHHHH! HOT! HOT! BURNING!" the black mage screamed as he was sent on fire by the Fire Elemental.

"Oops."

* * *

"And we're here!" Alex yelled.

"We would have gotten here sooner if you two weren't making out," Twilly commented.

"Is it my fault I'm so damn smexy?" the boy smiled as he put his hand on Olapen's shoulder.

"WE LOVE YOU ALEX!" the Alex fan girls screamed. "I want your babies! I want to lock you up in my dungeon forever! Make love to me Alex! We want you! ALEX!" the hundreds of voices shouted.

"Damn straight."

"Hang ten!" a young boy yelled as he surfed on a Water Elemental. He jumped off and landed by the heroes and held a bag. "Looking for some ingredients for Warlic's spell?"

"How'd you know?" Olapen asked.

"The author told me. I have what you're looking for! Let me join and I'll give to you!"

"No thanks, I don't do threesomes with only one girl. It's either two girls and me, or no deal," Alex replied.

"…I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT!"

* * *

"Hooray we have all the ingredients!" Twilly smiled.

"Now to summon the evil demon!" Warlic yelled and cast the spell and a tiny kitten appeared. "Quickly! You must defeat the evil beast!"

"…Kay," the heroes replied and tackled the cat, beating it up.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow stop it! Ow stop it!" the cat screamed.

* * *

"BWAHAHAHAHA! I am Xan! Master of Fire!" the flaming skeleton man yelled.

"Look its Ghost Rider!" Kaiser yelled. "I loved your movie Ghost Rider!"

"Huh? Oh thank you. I mean, SHUT THE HELL UP! I'm here to kill you all! Now…CENSORED VIOLENT FIGHT SCENE!"

"What?" Alex asked.

**CENSORED**

"Ow…." Everyone groaned as Xan stood over them, having beaten up everyone. "I rule!"

"Okay, so we just got our butts kicked. What now?" Jack sighed.

"We have to go see about Alex's baby," Baron replied.

"At least I don't have to do it the woman way," Alex sighed in relief. "And look! I even have this cool scar on my neck! Now that's awesome!"

"Kaiser! I'm pregnant and Alex is the father!" Celestia screamed as she ran over and hugged the warrior.

"…I can explain!" the Rogue said.

* * *

"So…what will you call it?" Celestia asked.

"I shall call you Zero! And together, we shall enslave all the world's women!" Alex smiled as he held his baby dragon.

"…Anyone else think Alex is going to be a bad father?" Baron asked.

* * *

"Okay, its time we left to go get revenge on Xan! Who's with me!?" Jack yelled.

"Not me," Alex sighed. "Or Zero. Right Zero?"

_Huh?_

"That's right."

"What? Why?" Shadow Tamer asked.

"I have to have you guys fight him and once your all beaten, I'll look cooler when I save the day," he replied. "Besides I'm late for a threesome with some girls back in Falconreach! Bye!"

"…I don't like him," Kaiser commented.

* * *

"I can't believe he was right," Olapen sighed as they sat in their cage.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I RULE!" Xan laughed.

"And I'm back!" Alex smiled.

"Huh? What kept you?"

"I was wrestling with some girls in a bed, if you know what I mean, "Alex smiled. "Now…Xan! Your reign of evil is over!"

_Yeah! _Zero added.

"Quiet you!" he ordered. "Ahem, now where was I? Oh, right! Super Dragonlord power!" KA...ME…HA…ME…HA!" Alex screamed and fired a blue energy beam at the fiery mage, and his rogue armor turned into Dragonlord armor. "I am Super Sayien Alex!"

"…Oh frag!"

* * *

"And that was how I defeated Xan," Alex smiled as he sat on a log with a small pink Moglin on his lap.

"That's amazing Alex!" the Moglin, a girl named Jojo, said. "Um…Alex?"

"Yes, Jojo?"

"Do…do you…Would you ever consider me worthy of being with you?" the pink Moglin asked.

"Jojo, you're a nice girl, but I don't think a relationship between a human and a Moglin would be too good. Sorry."

"B-but….Alex! Please, just give me a chance!" the crying Moglin begged.

"Aww man! I can't stand it when cute girls cry…" Alex whispered. "Jojo, no! Don't cry! What can I do to make it up to you?" he asked.

* * *

"Where have you been?" Kaiser asked as Alex walked over. The Rogue, and

"Making out with Jojo."

"…What?"

"Nothing," Alex replied as he began singing, 'Don't Matter,' by Akon.

_Nobody wanna see us together  
But it don't matter no  
Cause I got you babe  
Nobody wanna see us together  
But it don't matter no  
Cause I got you babe_

_

* * *

_

"Hey guys, this May, my girlfriend!" Jack smiled as they walked around Osprey Cove.

"Huh? What? How much of the plot did we just skip!?" Blade100 asked.

"Hey, I remember! I tapped her a few weeks ag-OW!" Alex yelped as Baron stepped on his foot. "I mean…You two make a lovely couple."

"Thanks!" the ninja replied.

"You look familiar…Have we met?" May question Alex.

"Nope! Never! If you did, you actually didn't because I am a master of disguise! You especially didn't meet me in bed! You didn't. Nope..."

"Um…Okay."

* * *

"Hiya!" Alex yelled as he clashed blades with Sepulchure.

"Again! More plot jumping! This story stin-ACK!" Blade100 screamed as he was stabbed by Alex.

"You just killed the Author!" Sepulchure screamed.

"Oh please, it's not like anyone even liked the guy!" Alex laughed as he clashed blades with his foe, and above them, Zero and Fluffy were in a fierce clash.

"Alex! I have something to tell you!"

"I swear if you say anything about pregnancy and Celestia, I'm leaving!" Alex screamed. "That joke wasn't funny on April 1st, and isn't this April!"

"No! I…AM YOUR UNCLE!"

"That's not true! That's impossible!"

"Search your heart. You know it to be true."

"NOOOO! OW! What the hell!? You cut my hand off!" Alex screamed as Sepulchure did just that. "That wasn't in the script?"

"It wasn't? My bad."

"AGGH! You jerk!" Alex screamed and kicked the bad guy with his other hand. "You know what I have to say to this, uncle?!"

"What?"

"THIS IS SPARTA!" the Dragonlord screamed and kicked the villain between the legs.

**AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER**

**Well, except Sepulchure, but that's the point.**

"Well…What did you guys think?" Alex smiled.

"…"

"…"

"…This is why I'm the writer, and you're the actor, Alex," Blade100 sighed.

"What? Kaiser, you thought it was good, right?"

"Not really, no. You're not that good of a writer, Alex," Kaiser commented.

"Same," Olapen, Jack, Baron, Shadow Tamer, May, and the other characters replied.

"I liked it!" Jojo yelled.

_Me two Papa! _Zero smiled.

"Thank you! Thank you!"

"Dear lord," Blade100 sighed. "The fans are going to hate this."

**SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING ANY STORIES! HIGH SCHOOL IS HARD! HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS STORY! THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KNID REVIEWS AND FOR MAKING MY STORIES THE MOST REVIEWED ONES IN ADVENTUREQUEST!**


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